


wieder

by ridingbensolo



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
Genre: Am I right? Of course I am, And no longer cares, F/M, He also does not have time for Hux, He gets it from his mama, Kylo Took A Chill Pill, More like Supreme Daddy, Pardon me while I make up some worlds, Politician Kylo/Ben, Post-TLJ, Rating May Change, Rebuilding, Restoration, Rey has no time for anyone's shit, Reylo endgame, Scholar Kylo/Ben, Slow Burn, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, Strategy & Tactics, Supreme Leader Ben Solo, The Last Jedi Spoilers, This is just an excuse to write people wearing pretty clothes, feat. facial hair
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-02-22 07:16:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13161975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ridingbensolo/pseuds/ridingbensolo
Summary: wieder: (adv) German for againthe war can be so heavy, can you feel it's weight?He gave Hux the order to only maintain defenses. There would be no offensive attacks on the Resistance. Kylo knew that upon withdrawal, he’d be saving resources and time. Time he would rather spend rebuilding. He’d been a part of this war since he was twenty, and it had been nine years. Civilizations, cultures and buildings had been wiped out. Rebuilding is something the Republic had never done. The First Order would start it.





	1. Chapter 1

As he boarded the ship, his head spun. _Skywalker_...Kylo had felt it in the Force. It’d been a tidal wave of peace. Peace that had flooded his soul, and hadn’t disappeared. This was the first time he’d felt calm since...he couldn’t remember. Since Snoke’s death, it had been quiet in his head. He’d forgotten the peace that may lay in silence.

Perhaps his uncle was right. He’d be with him, always. He had his father’s heart, his uncle’s serenity...Now, he needed his mother. Early mornings in Senate meetings, late nights playing in his mother’s office taught him the skill of getting what you wanted, if you asked nicely. However, the Supreme Leader didn’t need to ask nicely. It hadn’t worked the last time.

Exhausted, Kylo quietly gave the instructions for the Order to fall back, and began the strategic process of diplomacy. After all, he learned from the best. He’d need to exercise caution in the Order’s business affairs. The universe was full of trickery. It would be a slow process for them to recuperate, but he wasn’t going to allow the purchase of new ships. They had plenty. It’d be whoever ran out of materials first. This war needed to end. There had been families aboard the dreadnought, more on the Starkiller Base, but there had been wounded aboard the medical ship Hux had destroyed. War was messy, and there was never a clear winner.

He didn't wonder why Rey had refused him. He knew he wasn’t the _best_ at portraying his feelings, but he had offered her the universe. Yet she still refused him because he wasn’t _Ben_. Ben Solo. Rey wanted him back, and Kylo didn’t know how to give him to her. Stars, did he want to, but the ability to separate Kylo Ren and Ben Solo...He didn’t know it he had the strength to do it. He didn’t even know _how_ to do it. No one had two people battling for control in their head, but the headache that was brought on by the clash was beginning to wear him to the bone.

He gave Hux the order to only maintain defenses. There would be no offensive attacks on the Resistance. Kylo knew that upon withdrawal, he’d be saving resources and time. Time he would rather spend rebuilding. He’d been a part of this war since he was twenty, and it had been nine years. Civilizations, cultures and buildings had been wiped out. Rebuilding is something the Republic had never done. The First Order would start it.

* * *

 

“Are you out of your _mind_ ,” Hux asked, the vein in his forehead making an appearance again. Kylo had become familiar with it the last few days. Kylo glanced at the redhead, who immediately shut up. Good.

“Clear out the old Rebel base. Melt down and recycle the materials. Take down the door, and start restoring Crait to the original habitat,” Kylo said, his voice soft in the silence. “Have someone clean up the debris from the dreadnought. Sell the goods that aren’t reusable. It’s a wonder that we’ve managed to keep our finances as high as we have. We need to stop being careless with our money.” Kylo surprised himself. Since when did he _care_ about the financial management of the First Order? Or about scavenging for potential, prime equipment? While, in theory, saving their resources for the rehabilitation made sense, why was he starting to care about which capital was salvageable and what wasn’t?

The salvaging reminded him of Rey.

Kylo ran a hand over his face as he watched Hux leave. He hadn’t slept in days. Perhaps he was out of his mind. And who knew that the Supreme Leader had to attend so many meetings? Maybe Snoke had just given Hux permission to do what he saw fit, because Kylo knew Snoke never attended this many meetings. And the general didn’t enjoy his leash tightened, which explained the large stick Hux had up his ass. Kylo would need to watch his back. Hux would strive to overthrow him. Kylo didn’t know when to expect it, but the other man was power hungry. Out of the two of them, he thought Hux would have given Snoke his end, and not himself. Kylo had personally deleted video evidence that he was the one to kill Snoke, so there should be no process Hux could find out through. If he did, the restoration was all over. His attempt to prove Rey wrong would be over.

Furthermore, he would no longer be the Supreme Leader, unable to command it and unable to prevent the extinction of the Resistance. Also, he’d be dead, but it was a detail he could overlook. Failure was unacceptable, especially when so much was at risk. If Hux ruled the Order, the universe would implode on itself. The Order’s old regimen was unsustainable. If they wanted galactic domination, there had to be _something_ left to rule. Pissed off, battered and bloodthirsty people wouldn’t willingly become contributing citizens of society. They would be desperate for revenge, specifically on those who took their lives away. One man’s revenge is another’s social justice. Kylo only hoped that helping them get it back would be a worthy peace offering. There would have to be balance, an equal amount of the Order’s culpability and their motives. History had proven that the best way to redeem an organization was through compassionate welfare.

The long list of wounded planets, inhabited and uninhabited alike, lay in front of him. Restoration would be expensive, but if it turned planet’s alliance to the Order, it would be worth it. Systems who were under control would also be refresh, ending slavery and corruption. And then they too would be given a choice. Of course, if the planet didn’t swear fealty, Kylo wouldn’t force the Order’s rule on to them. It was their decision to make. He would never force unwanted laws onto a system. That’s how rebellions began.

Slowly, Kylo began making plans. They’d start with Crait, and then move to D’Qar. The Order would trace their footsteps back to the Core worlds to fix this mess. He regretted that he was unable to revive the Hosnian system, but he could memorialize it, like Alderaan. There would need to be laws placed to prevent more Starkillers and Death Stars. Too many people had died with them, innocent people that had not picked a side, that were born into it. There had been fifteen million people on the Starkiller Base that had died. Between the two Death Stars, that had been more than three million casualties. Even more people on the planets and cities the weapons destroyed.

Planet killers were unnatural. The First Order was not a god, nor should it have the power of one.

Kylo’s head throbbed from being pulled into a black hole of problems to be dealt with. With the fleetingness of the Resistance, they would have left behind any fallen soldiers, much like the Order did. There was never enough time to bury the dead. His mother often told him that the Rebels mourned after the fight, but he never realized that the defeated never buried their dead. He would have to caution against the spread of disease, but public medicine was advanced enough where he hoped it wouldn’t be a problem.

The advancement of technology was a positive thing, but it also meant that weapons of mass destruction advanced. It caused significant loss of life, and mass disruption and migration of populations. Since populations had been forced to move, that meant few would be working, and poverty would become a bigger problem. Education was also declining. Kylo was alarmed when he had learned that schools, universities and public libraries had been targeted by the Order. When he’d brought up the termination of the program, Hux had debated him in front of Snoke, and had gotten his way. Education had always been important to him, spending many days of his youth reading and deciphering ancient Jedi texts.

His fingers twitched, reminiscent of the ink-stained hours that he used to spend. Paper was a rare good, and he had struggled to find a trader with the material. Snoke had forbidden the comforts of Ben Solo. Reaching into his desk, he pulled out a box, the tension easing from his muscles. It was slightly charred, from where his old, blue saber had scorched it. With gentle hands, he pried the lid open, ash falling onto his white desk. Kylo was amazed that the pot of ink hadn’t dried after nine years since its last use. His pens were still there, tips still sharp and strong. Underneath his materials, lay his old notebook. Time hadn’t touched any of the materials, and Kylo was grateful. Pulling out his notebook, he opened it to the last marked page.

_Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom._

Kylo huffed a laugh. He was a fool then, if his past words were true. He supposed the past had a sense of humor. He couldn’t remember if they had come from a text, or if he’d written down the stray thought. Kylo knew that this was a journal he used for personal thoughts, but he didn’t remember writing it down. Perhaps he had woken up one night, and scribbled it down without taking care of his penmanship. It was sloppy, ink splattered amongst the lines and loops. Kylo reached, dipping his pen into his ink, and leaned forward, eager to rewrite it. He drug the metal across the page, basking in the quiet noise.

Ben Solo grinned down at the message, the words elegant and precise. He still had it.


	2. Chapter 2

Maker, if Hux didn’t _shut up_ , Kylo was about to make him, and he had a variety of ways to do so. Kylo definitely liked choking him, and according to reports, Darth Vader did the same with questioning subordinates. Impatience definitely ran in the family.  Still, the ginger disproved of Kylo’s plans, and Kylo didn’t expect anything different. Hux was ranting, and Kylo figured he would let the general keep going, and let him waste his breath. Glancing at the chrono, he wrinkled his nose. Why was Hux awake in the early morning hours? He still had two hours before he had to report to the bridge. Kylo had nowhere else to be, and was trapped in his personal quarters, sitting on his bed with one sock on, the other in his hand. He hadn’t even had his tea yet. Kylo imagined that Hux must’ve drank three gallons of caf, to be this...energetic this early.

“General,” he interrupted, standing from the bed. He stood at his full height, glaring at the man. “How would you like to lose your tongue?” Kylo ignored Hux’s huff.  “I would suggest picking out a quick, and relatively painless way, but since you’ve chosen to draw it out, I can only return the favor.”

Kylo had never seen a mouth close that quickly. It was a sign that Hux still respected him, feared him, even. Kylo smirked at the thought, but let the corners of his mouth fall. There would need to be a balance between being feared and being loved. Naturally, he evoked fear, his reputation preceding him, but he wanted to be loved by _someone_. Everyone did. It was a basic psychological desire, something every creature needed. It didn’t matter if one was human or not. Each heart that beat, every lifeform needed certainty in a home, food, the belief in themselves, and someone or thing to care for, to…

Kylo didn’t know how it felt to love. He briefly wondered who Hux loved. Or what. Maker forbid it was _the_ _cat_.

But he had everything he had ever wanted, everything that his grandfather hadn’t achieved, yet he had nothing that he truly needed. He wanted peace, quiet, and to read his books…He needed Rey. His heart picked up the pace, forcing him to swallow. He could not let it affect him. Her beginning wasn’t his end. Neither of their visions had gone the way each had hoped. He had seen hers, as she had seen his. In both futures, they were together, but the Force must have wanted them to wait. They both had lessons to be learned. Failure was not final.

“While I appreciate your concerns,” Kylo said, stepping towards him. “I know that this change is daunting. I truly believe this is the best path the Order can take. I’ve thought about it for a long time, and history shows-”

“ _History_ ,” Hux interrupted, his voice calm. It was Kylo’s turn to shut his mouth quickly. “Is not the example we will be using. You have always said ‘let the past die’,” the man imitated, his voice deepening to reflect Kylo’s.

“We do not need to do what history has already done. That’s why every government fails in time. We won’t be doing anything that any government has done before, so don’t ever say that again. There is no history to justify what you’re going to do. What the First Order is going to do.” Hux paused, licking his lips as he stared at his Supreme Leader. “What we’re about to do has never been done before. And Maker, I think that it’s an idiotic idea, but Kylo, it could _work_.”

Had Kylo misheard? Did Hux actually agree with him? Surely, he had been mistaken. And the General must have noticed the look on his face, because Hux started speaking again, talking about numerous things Kylo had already thought about, and had already crafted a plan.

“Where would we begin,” Hux breathed, moving to sit on a couch. Kylo bent, shoving his foot into his other sock before moving into the small kitchen to start boiling water.

“Crait,” he answered, leaning against the counter to face the redhead. “We’d strip the Resistance base out, remove the old mines, and bring in ecologists to help recover the original habitat. It’s a salt planet, so nothing can grow, but the Vulpex might have been traumatized from the skirmish that occurred.”

“And the money?”

“You know how much it takes to make _one_ TIE Fighter. By issuing orders to go on defense, we’ve eliminated the costs that it would take to do an offensive strike. The ships, the fuel, the salary for the pilots, even repairs of the ships that are damaged, it adds up. The money we’d be saving would pay for the severe damage of 3,092 planets. I’ve estimated only 74 are severely damaged, 518 have moderate damage, and then 6,719 planets have slight damage.”

Hux hummed, thinking the math over. Kylo remained silent as the water finished, pouring half into a mug, and then dropping a capsule into it, watching as the water turned dark purple. Another comfort of Ben Solo had never given up was Pahan tea. It had been his favorite as a child, and it still was. Kylo turned, using the remaining water to make Armitage Hux his beloved caf. Perhaps that’s the thing Hux needed to love. Caf, and not the damned cat.

Pushing the finished mug towards his second, Kylo lifted the tea to his lips, and brushed against Hux’s mind. If he went too far, the general would know. However, Kylo was pleased to find that Hux, while cautious, was accepting of his plan. Be that as it may, he would still have to watch his back. He didn’t fear the Resistance who would attack him. The unease that came from the lack of trust in his comrade was what he would have to watch for.

“I know you had the position in everything but name, but I’m...informally promoting you to Grand Marshall. I’ll put in the paperwork later today to make it official,” Kylo said, casually leaning against the counter. He watched as Hux choked on the hot drink, and smirked into his.

“Supreme Leader,” Hux breathed, his tone unusually grateful, but Kylo waved him off.  

“You’re dismissed. I’ll see you in a few hours, since you decided to get started early today.”

When the door slid closed after Hux’s exit, Kylo slumped. Keep your enemies closer, his mother had said. He just hoped that she was right. He ran a hand over his face, trying to collect himself. He could feel himself start to fall apart at the seams, the decay starting on the Starkiller Base, and now his unraveling was starting to quicken. Staying busy kept his mind off of the events that had happened in the last week, and the breakdown he’d gone through. He’d lost everything. _Han. Leia. Snoke. Rey. Luke_. Everyone who once believed in him, everyone he had once depended on was gone. Rey was the only one left alive, but she’d turned her back on him, shutting him out and casting him away. He was used to being discarded. His father had done it many times. Snoke had begun to do it. If he wasn’t careful, Hux wouldn’t hesitate to finish it.

Finishing his tea, he started washing the mug, going through the motions. He’d never felt so lost, with no one to help him, and even the ghosts in his head were silent. He needed someone to save him from the world of confusion he was living in, to guide him back to what was _right._ It was so easy to let his emotions decide his actions, and so hard to stay steady minded. He needed to get his head right, one with clear thoughts, one that would be consistent. Drawing in a deep breath, he closed his eyes, and lost himself in the Force.

The Force was everywhere, coursing through everything, like a river. It flowed quickly in some areas, like a shallow stream, and in others, it slowed, a deep, steady river. He could feel the past, the present, and the future, all at once.  His breathing staggered as a vision hit him, and his palms met the counter, steadying himself as the images flashed through his head. It was too quick for him to absorb it, and the emotions, the _pain_ , of the vision was the only thing remaining when Kylo blinked his eyes.

The future looked dull now. He knew his end.

* * *

Rey wasn’t expecting the frustrated scream that bubbled from her lips. She growled, reaching and tearing the catalytic converter off of the Falcon. Her fingers left dents in the eroded metal, red dust on her fingers the only evidence she had ever held it as she threw it into the dense rainforest surrounding the ship. Rey had been elated when they decided to stop on the planet, taking in the new sights and news. She decided that she hated the hot, wet air, how it made her clothes cling to her, and she felt like she would never be dry again. Regretfully, she yearned for the dry air of Jakku. It was easier to work in. With the catalytic converter beyond repair, thanks to Rey and time, they were grounded here. _Stuck_ here, on the awful planet with the air one could swim through. And Rey didn’t know how to swim.

With a sharp huff, she made her way up the ramp of the Falcon, going to deliver the news to the remnants of the Resistance. All nine of them, including Chewbacca. But with the rapid porg population growth on the ship, Rey considered letting the army of creatures take on the First Order. The way they multiplied would bring the Order to its knees. Her lips tugged up at the imagery.

“Any updates,” came a soft-spoken question to her side.

Rey glanced in the direction. It was Rose, who Rey thought had as much mechanical experience as she did. Chewbacca hadn’t know what to do with the catalytic converter problem, so perhaps this small Resistance fighter knew what to do. She didn’t know much about the Rose girl, only that she was sweet, and Finn cared for her greatly. The only one who had touched her as softly as Finn did Rose was Ben, however fleeting it was. Fingers tenderly touching, scared that if they made a sound, the stillness would break, and it would be gone like a forgotten dream.

“It’s ruined. The converter...It’s too decayed to save. And we don’t have another piece to fix-”

“We do,” Rose quickly said, grinning. “All we have to do is remove the oxygen sensors, and then take one from the escape pod, and then replace the oxygen sensors, and-”

“Then weld the converter into place,” Rey finished, a grin on her face. “You know, Finn needs to share you. He can’t just keep you to himself,” she teased.

Rose blushed, and ducked her head, obviously flustered from the praise from the Jedi. Rey placed a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it gently, before leaving to resume her work. Rey could feel it, they’d become good friends. There was something in her sweetness that hid Rose’s fierceness and cleverness. Rey appreciated how resourceful Rose was, and it was something that wasn’t a common trait in the Core Worlds. The few that remained would have to carry on the Resistance’s message, and would have to tread carefully.

Like scavengers, the Resistance would have to recover itself from the demise that had been D’Qar and Crait.

And scavenging was what Rey was best at.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo how did everyone like it? I can't believe I pumped out another chapter in a day and a half. Like wow. And y'all's response has me shook. I wasn't expecting that. 
> 
> And of course Hux's cat is Millicent, because I had to throw that trope in there. Kylo thinks his mother is dead, since they never addressed him knowing otherwise in the movie. 
> 
> Also, how did everyone like the peek of Rey? This story is going to be more Kylo focused, but I'll try to add in everyone's favorite gal from Jakku.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, just giving you the heads up that this might be too intense for some people. Proceed with caution. I changed the rating to Mature specifically for this chapter.

It had nearly been a year, and his scar had finally settled into his face. Kylo had let his hair grow out, just a little longer than it normally was. His facial hair had grown as well, covering his upper lip and the bottom of his chin. A few grey hairs streaked across his hair, like shooting stars in the night sky. Kylo looked years older, and wiser. Appearances were everything, his mother had taught him.  A sloppy haircut, a bad posture, or ill-fitting clothes, and people wouldn’t follow you. The correct mannerisms, tone of voice, and charisma, and people would fall at your feet.

He tugged at his hair, pulling the top half into a braid. His fingers weaved through his hair, memories pulling him into a time where they had run through long, brown hair that smelled like Alderaanian flowers. Kylo tied the ends, letting it fall to lay amongst his curls. His hands nervously pulled his tunic down. The black velvet had detailed golden patterns woven through it, it being a gift from the citizens of Opam, a planet known for their textile design and production. They had wanted to build a statue of Kylo out of gratitude, but he refused. Instead, they had given him a wardrobe to rival his grandmother’s. Opam was the twenty ninth planet that the First Order had restored. And it was the twenty sixth planet to swear fealty to the Order.

Kylo sighed, running a hand over his face. He was exhausted, but being the Supreme Leader wasn’t an easy job. Running an empire _correctly_ was an even harder one. However, something was going to happen. He could feel it in his bones. He was headed planetside, to go to the official opening of a children’s hospital, one that had been sorely needed on Kahn. A disease caused by the famine had broken out, and it was quickly taking children’s lives. Adults couldn’t contract the disease, leaving parents to bury their children. The Order would be sponsoring the effort it took to eradicate the sickness, their molecular biologists staying on Kahn until a vaccine was found.

A knock on his door pulled him out of his train of thought, and it alerted him it was time to go. He glanced down at the circlet laying on his table, another gift from Opam. He wouldn’t need a crown. Crowns were for people who needed to let people know they were the ruler, but people _knew_ who he was. Kylo grabbed his cloak, the velvet matching his tunic and pants, and it brushed against the heels of his boots. When he opened the door, there were two stormtroopers waiting. Kylo definitely didn’t need them, but the extra set of eyes never hurt. It was a quick walk to Hux’s room, where he knew the redhead wouldn’t be ready. Entering his chambers, Kylo figured he would give the Grand Marshall a taste of his own medicine.

However, he’d forgotten about the cat. The bright _orange_ cat.

Kylo stepped over it, grimacing as the creature tried to rub against his leg. It was an awkward dance, him trying to avoid Millicent, as it purred, trying to use his leg as a scratching post. He nearly got tripped up, his cloak only getting in the way. He swept the ends up, holding them over his elbow as he moved around the room, resorting to regally walking in a circle. Millicent stopped as her owner stepped out of the bedroom, and darted between his legs to go into the bedroom.

“I see you’ve been acquainted,” Hux said, straightening his cuffs. He wasn’t in his issued uniform, rather dressing in professional civilian clothes. The Order was no longer a military organization, but they still required a uniform of the day. Being non-military meant the rules had been changed, and Kylo wasn’t the only one sporting facial hair.

“Unfortunately,” Kylo responded, dropping the ends of his cloak, and straightened his shoulders. The cat would _not_ ruin his image. “Now, are you ready? Or do you need to trim your beard again?”

Hux rolled his eyes, but followed his Supreme Leader out of the door and into the awaiting shuttle. The ride through the atmosphere and onto the surface was uneventful, but the heavy dread in his stomach had not gone away. Before the shuttle opened, he turned to Hux, throwing him an order to increase air patrols. Something was coming, but he didn’t know what.

The toll that war had taken on Kahn was the worse yet. The First Order had been present for two months now. The rehabilitation effort was being met by some resistance from the local government, but the citizens had welcomed them with open arms. There were still a few violent opposition fighters from the most northern region, but their children hadn’t caught the rapid sweep of virus. The upper management of the Order expected no hostility when the virus started taking their children.

His heart was heavy as he walked, seeing starved adults waiting in line at the hospital, their sick children held closely against their chest. The official opening was today, but the hospital had been functional since the last brick had been placed, nearly three weeks ago. But a planet wide famine took longer than that to fix. The children’s hospital was at near capacity, and the general hospital was overwhelmed by starvation cases. Kylo would have to order that a temporary hospital be placed outside of the city walls, so the surrounding villages could have easier access to medical care.

Kahn was small, the moon consisting of small coastal mining colonies, with one central city. Kylo didn’t doubt that _The Supremacy_ was larger than the island. It’s main export was Jananium, a metal crucial in the building of blaster components. It had been under the First Order’s control until the Resistance did an air raid, destroying the sliver of land that the inhabitants had lived on, and permanently halting the mining.

Stiffening, he heard the murmurs picking up, the flickers of hope spreading through the Force. The Supreme Leader was visiting, the citizens whispered, eyes staring at him, but never meeting him. It did nothing but worsen his uneasiness. But he had to force a smile, nodding to the citizens that had put so much faith in him. Faith he knew he didn’t deserve. He couldn’t always protect everyone, and they were still at war. The Resistance had not backed down, and Kylo knew they were oblivious to the change the Order was creating. The Resistance was thirsty for blood, and they wouldn’t stop until they had their retribution.

But it was the coughs from the children that would haunt Kylo, and the empty, lost look in their parents’ eyes….Kylo would never forget it. This was why he had come to visit. To see firsthand the damage that had been done by the fickle family drama. This had been his fault. Numerous children were shoved into his arms, and it only broke his heart more. He called on the Force, trying to ease the pain of each child that he touched. It was the least he could do.

He didn’t hear them until he felt the ground shake under his feet.

Kylo’s head whipped to the side, watching as Resistance X-Wings buzzed the city, maneuvering elegantly through the tall buildings. His stomach sank as he saw the Falcon trailing behind them, feeling _her_ for the first time since she shut the door of the same ship in his face. His breath stopped as he watched the bombs drop, and his hand darted out, the Force weaving through his fingers and halting the free-fall of three hundred bombs, hovering above the population of the city.

But Kylo couldn’t contain the explosion.

 

* * *

He vaguely remembered what had happened after. It was a blur of emotion, of pain, of distress. He remembered a flash of heat, and then his ears ringing. Most of it felt like a dream, a dream that he wished he could have forgotten. Both hospitals had been completely destroyed, the people inside gone with it. Hux and Kylo had been the only two important members of the First Order visiting, and their guard had been unconscious or dead when Kylo had woken up. He had stumbled up, disoriented, and all he could feel was pain and death. He’d felt every death like it was a lash across his back.

These had been his people. His people that he had failed to protect.

He remembered helping pulling bodies from the rubble, and praying to the Force that they were still alive. There were a few others awake, and they stood beside him in the effort to retrieve the fallen. Only fifteen hadn’t fallen unconscious. If someone was too injured, they would look to Kylo, and he would gently slow the victim’s heart to a stop, giving them a peaceful death. He had saved fifty three people, who had been alive, but trapped. But he had killed one hundred and seventeen, each bleeding out from their wounds, and each too far gone to be helped. One thousand, eight hundred, and forty two people had been killed by the bombs alone. Fourteen thousand had been inside of the hospitals. In total, there had been 15,959 deaths. Kahn only had 20,819 inhabitants.

The bombs may have taken the citizens of Kahn’s lives, but their deaths were his responsibility.

Kylo couldn’t remember how he got to his rooms, or how he got under the scalding hot stream of water. He didn’t know how long he had been standing there. Robotically, he turned the water off, and dressed in another set of Opam’s clothes, this pair plain, reflecting his numbness. He couldn’t sleep, no matter how hard his exhaustion tugged at his mind. He had meetings to attend, trying to figure out where they were going to place the survivors of the bombing, and how they were going to quarantine the remaining sick children, and how they were going to find their families.

He felt the air still around him, the noise of the ship dulling as he turned around. This hadn’t happened in months, and he stiffened, his rage sweeping through his bones. She had the audacity to open their bond, to what? To brag about the annihilation of a majority of society, a _culture_. His fury prickled under his skin, an enemy that he’d done so much to defeat. One event, and he had lost control again.

Kylo grabbed her upper arms when she appeared in front of him, a small part of him surprised at the solid weight beneath his fingers. He shook her, his grip betraying his rage. She looked shocked, and he nearly growled at her, becoming the monster that the Resistance had undoubtedly spun tales about.

“How do you feel,” he seethed, hissing the words between his teeth. “That you just raided not one hospital, but _two hospitals_ . With sick children and starving people in them. You just destroyed everything I have spent the last eleven months working towards. Are you going to level the other planets that the Order has brought back to life? Because if you want to target the innocent again, there’s fifteen orphanages on Wikal, four of our leading medical research facilities on D’Qar and _numerous_ other hospitals.”

Later, he knew he would be ashamed that he found joy in the way her face paled, tears forming in her eyes, but in the moment, he used it against her, twisting the knife deeper. A part of him knew that she hadn’t known, that the Resistance had thought it was being used for mining again, that she hadn’t known until she felt the lives lost in the Force. He shoved his memories to her, of the coughs, of the worried gazes, and then of the broken bodies that had lay amongst the debris.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” he said, letting his anger taint his words. “You have _no_ right to feel sorry for yourself. You were just a part of a raid that _took_ from so many people. You always thought that your parents were coming back to you, but now we have three hundred sick orphans that don’t know their parents aren’t coming back. And _I_ am going to tell them. Unless you want to fly here and deliver the news to them. And these orphans are sick with a disease there is no known cure for, but my men were close to finding one. You took away their future by playing hero.”

Tears were streaming down her face, and Rey opened her mouth. He held up a hand, silencing her. He didn’t care what she had to say. Nothing would change the fact that the attack was uncalled for, or even misplaced. He was enraged. The adrenaline and anger was only reminiscent to how he felt when Snoke had taunted him by torturing Rey. Kylo had tried so hard to change, catching himself on snippy moments, constantly thinking of his childhood ways to calm down. He risked his life, putting everything the First Order originally strived for aside to give back, to _fix_ the wounds that war had caused.

Rey lingered, silent as she stood in front of him. He said no more, only keeping her gaze as tears slid down her face. They voiced nothing, but everything was being said. While he had passed memories to her, she had given hers. She crossed her arms, but remained silent. He could feel guilt coming from her, a burden they both shared. They were in a war, but this was an act of terror, and she knew exactly how wrong the Resistance was, even if they didn’t know it yet. Kylo watched as she bit her lip, her gaze changing, his heart softening at her expressive eyes. Rey was sorry, but being apologetic wouldn’t save the lives already lost.

Kylo knew she had cheered on the fleet as they attacked the city, proudly flying with them, but when she felt his struggle to stop the bombs, she had known what the truth was. She had known for thirteen hours, not yet back at the Resistance base, and hadn’t told the others. He knew how she had thrown up twice, and felt more nauseous every time she heard laughter and jokes about the raid on the comms.

When she finally disappeared, his anger left with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So those three chapters were written really quickly, and it kinda burned me out, so updates will be much, much slower. I'm also really struggling with everything right now, especially my mental health right now, and it's not helping at all.

Rey felt like she was going to throw up. She hadn’t known until it was too late, until the bombs were frozen in midair and she had felt _him_ in the Force. The bond tore itself open, like the explosions that had just taken place. Sitting quietly, she watched through his eyes as he struggled upwards, sluggishly moving to help the people around him. He hadn’t checked his own body for wounds, but she could tell he was fine. She watched in horror as his hands pulled bodies from the rubble, each worse than the one before it. His hands were hers as he eased people’s pain, gracing them with a peaceful death or forcing them into a calm state.

She had been with him through the whole thing, viewing every action he took like she was doing it herself. When he had started to fatigue, she had bitten her lip, and tried to give him some of her energy. Rey didn’t know if it had worked, but he only stopped after the redheaded Grand Marshall grabbed Kylo’s shoulders. Kylo was in a daze, war-weary. Hux had guided him away, letting his Supreme Leader lean against him. Hux’s footsteps were sure, while Kylo’s dragged beside him. The connection disappeared shortly after that.

She immediately had gotten up, ignoring Chewbacca’s concerned grunts, and thrown up in the refresher. The images taunted her as she closed her eyes, mocking her. She thought she was on the right side, that the Resistance was _good_ , and that they wouldn’t have taken innocent lives had they known.

Had the Resistance known that they had bombed a hospital?

The thought made her sick again.

Rey was walking back to the cockpit, her head down, when she paused. The air around her stilled, thickening in her lungs as she glanced to the side. Nothing. She turned in a circle, anxious to explain that _she hadn’t known_. Surely, he knew her well enough that he knew that she took no joy in this, and that the guilt of murdering blameless people weighed heavy on her soul. Her lips tilted down in a frown, not seeing the man who she cared for, even after all of this time.

He stole her breath when he appeared suddenly in front of her, grabbing her arms violently. Rey let him, because she knew she deserved it. She didn’t deserve to be called a Jedi...The Jedi protected people, peace, and justice, and she had betrayed all three. Rey let him yell, let him vent, knowing that she would likely parrot what he was saying to the Resistance. Her eyes never left his, too shocked to say anything. She hadn’t said a word since releasing the explosives, but when faced with Kylo…Maker, she wanted to _explain_ , but she couldn’t. She only opened her mouth, hoping to clarify, but she’d been silenced by a raised hand.

No. She wouldn’t speak. Her guilt couldn’t be placed into words, so she bit her lip and dropped her walls, letting him see everything. Rey felt his anger weaken as she stepped towards him, her eyes pleading with him. Rey knew she would never be forgiven, and didn’t expect to be forgiven. But she needed him to understand that she had not known. She withheld that she’d seen everything he had done to help, that she saw how it had affected him. He didn’t need to know.

After Kylo disappeared, Rey sat on the bench in the common area, rubbing a hand over her face. Adrenaline had slipped away, leaving her muscles strained and shaky. She needed to sleep. Rey sat on the bench, trying to gather the will to stand. Legs shaking like a newborn Ikan fawn, she managed to make it to the bunks, collapsing onto the bed. Rey didn’t bother to kick off her shoes as she closed her eyes, falling into a deep, dreamless sleep before she could think about the haunting images of war.

She was never a deep sleeper, so when the Falcon dropped out of hyperspace, Rey was awakened immediately. Fatigue sat heavy on her shoulders, pulling her through the floor as she fought to stand. She wasn’t looking forward to the discussion she needed to have with General Leia and Poe. Rey walked to the cockpit, and helped Chewie land the ship. She could already hear the whoops, cheers and laughter of the pilots as they exited their ships. The sight of reuniting family and friends usually warmed her heart, and Rey had always looked forward to exiting the Falcon, to seeing grinning faces and happy tears. Everyone deserved to be with their loved ones. It was something that the people of Kahn would never be able to do again.

 

* * *

Rey had struggled to pull Poe aside privately, the new Vice Admiral caught up with the celebrations of another successful mission. A mission the Resistance thought would turn the tide of the war. But she knew there wasn’t a war anymore. War involved offensive and defensive tactics, and the Resistance had noticed the absence of attacks from the Order. Kylo wouldn’t start attacking again. She could feel his presence in the back of her mind, and he wasn’t angry at her. Not anymore.

Grabbing Poe’s sleeve, she tugged, hard, grabbing his attention. Her gaze gave him enough of a warning, and he excused himself from his audience, quickly following her into a refresher. Rey turned, locking the door behind him. Let the Resistance think what they wanted, but Rey knew that she wouldn’t be able to speak with him in private otherwise. She was surprised BB-8 hadn’t followed them into the ‘fresher.

“It wasn’t a mine,” she blurted, letting the words fall from her lips. “The Order hadn’t utilized the mines in nearly a year. We bombed civilians. There were _two_ hospitals in the area we attacked, and residential homes, and one was a children’s hospital, specifically created to treat a disease that’s been killing children. And the general hospital! It was being used to treat starvation that had been caused by the _first_ attack by the Resistance. And at the children’s hospital, they had been so close to finding a cure, and now the children won’t have a future because we were playing _hero_.”

Her ramble came to an end, and Rey’s eyes searched his face for any grief, or realization. Her heart tightened when she found nothing. Her mind brushed against his, finding what she feared.

“You knew there were hospitals,” she breathed, not wanting to believe it. Rey took a step back. “But you told everyone-”

“We didn’t tell anyone what it was. I had orders to say it was a bombing run, but we never _specified_ what it was. People assumed it was mining, because we had done it previously. The entire mission was to eliminate the military hierarchy...Our sources said that they would all be there. The Supreme Leader, two Grand Moffs, eight Grand Marshals, fourteen Generals, and forty two captains. We couldn’t let this opportunity go,” Poe said, moving and grabbing her arm, squeezing gently. “And we got them. All.”

“No,” she breathed, moving to meet his gaze. “It was only Kylo and Hux there. And they _both_ survived...You sanctioned a mission to kill 67 people...but you ended up killing 15,959 people.”

Poe’s eyebrows rose, leaning towards her. Her heart hammered in her chest. She had just slipped up. They couldn’t know now about the bond...She’d be labeled as a traitor and told to leave. Before this, she would have been devastated to leave the Resistance, but now, she didn’t know what she was going to do. Her panic clouded her mind, and she lied before she could help it.

“It was in a report I read that the Order released.”

Luckily, Poe said nothing, just reaching to unlock the door. He flung the door open, and walked out. Briefly,  she thought he was going to go back to the party, but he turned in the opposite direction. Rey quickly followed him. She vaguely knew where she was when they stopped, deep into the officers quarters. Poe raised his fist, and knocked.

Rey smiled gently at Leia when she opened the door. The woman returned her smile, reaching and taking her hand.

“Rey,” she said, her warm hand gently squeezing hers. “I’m glad you decided to visit me, but since you came with Poe, I’m assuming it’s not about anything good.”

The Vice Admiral shook his head, his hand burning through her clothes as he placed his hand on the small of Rey’s back, guiding her further into the room. Rey stiffened, subtly, at the touch before branching away to sit on a single chair. His touch was too similar to Ben’s, when he had guided her into Snoke’s throne room. She didn’t need the distraction the man held. She needed to focus and report the truth to Leia.

Rey wasn’t sure when she started talking, but she did, impatient to begin. Leia’s face betrayed nothing, and neither did she give away anything in the Force. Rey talked about how she had read about the Order, and Supreme Leader Ren had been working on restoration, and how the Resistance had been mistaken. The Order had been on the defense, all of their efforts focused on rebuilding habitats and communities that had been affected by the war. Rey knew Kylo wasn’t lying. She knew he would never even consider lying to her.

“They have to be lying,” Leia said, the moment Rey finished. “The Order is still bombing our allies on the Outer Rim. They’re more ruthless than ever. While I regret that so many people died on Kahn, I do not regret the actions we took to try and remove a large portion of the leadership of the First Order. I regret we were misinformed, and I pray the Force is with the families and children.”

“Rey said that it was on the holonet,” Poe said, handing the general a holo, and Rey had to hide her relief. She didn’t know how she knew it was on the HoloNet. She hadn’t even used it before. “I found it while she was talking, and she’s telling the truth. The First Order is rebuilding it...They have proof as well...testimonials, holos, copies of receipts from the orders they placed...”

Poe and Rey both turned to Leia, but she remained silent, and only returned Rey’s stare. The stress of war had worn the woman down. Rey knew Leia had lost so much, and kept going. The girl didn’t know how Leia did it. Quietly, Leia stood, using a cane to walk to a trunk nestled in the corner of the room. She reached into it, and pulled out a ring.

“Han bought me this,” she said, lifting the silver to show them both. “Han and I had been fighting, and he bought it as an apology gift. Ben was twelve at the time, and Han gave Ben the ring to give to me. Han didn’t want for me to get mad at him before I could see his gift...I want you to take it, Rey, and I want you to go to see if it’s true, and that they aren’t lying. If they aren’t...I…” Leia trailed off, moving to press the ring into Rey’s hand, and closed her fingers around the metal. “And if you see him, tell him I’m sorry.”

Rey’s expression softened, moving to hug Leia tightly. Pulling away, she quietly excused herself. Rey ducked into the kitchens, sneaking food away into her pack, taking odd fruits and dried protein packs, and then found her way back to the Falcon. Using the Force, she cleaned out the porg population that had settled into the ship, glad to be rid of the squawking animals. She searched every crevice in the ship, combing through to get rid of the pests, and to make sure Chewbacca wasn’t onboard.

She had to warn Ben that someone was deceiving him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! I know it was slow, and that it was just a filler chapter. 
> 
> I'm super insecure about my writing, so I really debated whether or not to post this chapter for a few hours. 
> 
> Shout out to Ara and Sally for reading the chapter 4,000,000 times.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, thank you all for the support you've given me!! I hope y'all enjoy!

It was thirty-two standard cycles since Rey left the Resistance. She had directly seen the effects of what the First Order had done. From the snowy tops of Fest, to the oceans of Maires, Rey saw the change the Order was creating. In the most basic sense, Kylo was scavenging and she wondered if he knew. Imagining him trying to survive on Jakku made a smile appear on her face, as she readied for bed.

Rey still didn’t understand why the... _civilized_ general population bothered to change clothes when going to bed, but Rose had insisted that she pick the habit up. She enjoyed the vanity of it, especially now that she had clothes to fulfill it. Settling into the bunk, she was glad the mattress was hard. The ones in the Resistance base were too soft, and Rey never slept well on it. She enjoyed the mattresses on the Falcon. It wasn’t too soft, and in the haze of sleep, it reminded her of her hammock. She curled into a ball, and stared up at the bunk above her, opting to take this one in hopes of a harder mattress. A month had been too long to sleep on the soft pallet in the room over.

What she saw overhead took her breath away. It was beautifully written, and it was engraved into the metal that supported the bed above her. Her fingers reached out, tracing the letters.

_Ben Solo_

His name put a smile on her lips, and she curled further into the mattress, imagining him with her. Her smile slipped off of her face, and the sick feeling in her stomach crept back, like a monster that wouldn’t be defeated. He would still be furious with her, and she deserved it. But Rey hadn’t known...Would he desert her, like her parents, because he was disappointed in her? Or would he no longer speak to her, too upset that she had betrayed him in Snoke’s throne room, and then twisted the knife on Kahn?

Sighing deeply, she rolled onto her side, facing the wall. The thoughts only served to worsen her loneliness. She craved Ben with both her heart and her body, and she knew that the only thing that separated them was opposing views. She was optimistic, because he was taking steps to bridge the gap between them. Rey hoped that she could take the steps to meet him in the middle. It settled her worries, as she closed her eyes, curling into a tighter ball.

She would be successful at bringing Ben Solo home.

* * *

 

As Rey entered the atmosphere of Rellaman, she immediately felt _his_ presence. Anticipation spiked in her stomach, and she was hesitant to push the Falcon faster. She let the Force guide her to the city, following his small light. Rey was in awe. She’d never been to a urban planet before, and she could feel the hope, excitement, and joyful suspense coming from the population below. She didn’t know why they were feeling this way, but it made her eager to step foot into their world. She wondered about their culture, if it was as exciting as the energy they were giving off. Her heart fluttered as she landed, the sensation making her impatient.

A festival greeted her as she exited the docking bay, and Rey stopped, and let herself indulge it. There was a flood of people, all wearing fine clothes, and all were dressed in dark blue. They were a sea in their own right, the accents of gold flashing in the sunlight like fish scales. Women chatted amongst one another, as children ran through the streets, their laughter resounding through the village. Her heart ached, knowing that the Resistance had stolen children’s laughter from the survivors of Kahn. She bit her lip, trying to keep the nausea at bay. A team of human men were setting up a stage, yelling at each other to set the beams correctly. The loudness pulled her from her distracted thoughts as she ducked through their designated zone. She narrowly missed being hit by a board. She huffed a laugh, brushing her hair out of her face as she continued to look around. Vendors had the windows to their shops open, and she could smell foods that made her nose tingle.

It was a world that could have only been conjured in her imagination. Rey let herself be swept into the crowd, becoming one with the sea. There was so much to marvel at, and Rey would be lying if she said that she wasn’t overwhelmed. She didn’t blend in at all, wearing beige in the throng of blue. It made people’s gaze linger a bit longer than Rey would have liked and prompted her into stepping into a shop, thankful that they were selling a variety of blue dresses. If she was going to enjoy the festival, she wanted to enjoy it as a local would. They would know how to have the best time.

Rey wandered through the store, letting her fingers skim over the fine fabrics. She’d only seen such fabrics on Leia, and had never asked to touch them. They were for refined women, something she wasn’t, and would never be. Her calloused fingers caught on the cloth, and only reminded her that this wasn’t her world. But Rey could enjoy it for a night.

“Excuse me,” a humanoid woman said, her skin reminding Rey of the shallow waters of Scarif. “Would your name happen to be Miss Rey? A man named Ben left us a description of you, even gave a description of the clothes you are wearing, and wanted you to know your dress has already been picked out, and paid for.” She finished, motioning to a black bag hanging on the wall.  

Rey’s breathed hitched in surprise. She’d forgotten Ben was on Rellaman, and what her whole purpose was here...She had to tell Ben that someone had betrayed him. Rey couldn’t get distracted by the follies of the celebration outside. An anticipation of another type settled into her stomach, and she nodded at the shop attendant. If he had gone out of his way to buy her a dress, he had _definitely_ known she was here, and she was expected to join him. How had he known?

“I’m sorry,” Rey started, placing her hands against the counter, steadying herself. “What’s happening? I don’t understand…”

The woman blinked, frowning gently, before explaining the happenings outside. On Rellaman, it was the Marking of the Perihelion, and the significance of the festival. It marked the point Rellaman was closest to their star, marking the beginnings of mating season for the Rellamanians. The inhabitants hadn’t been able to celebrate the festival in forty seven years, and Rey listened as the female praised the Supreme Leader for bringing back prosperity and peace to her home.

Quickly, Rey thanked the attendant, and ducked out of the shop, dress in hand. She would have to head back to the Falcon to get ready. Rey knew that this was her opportunity to see him again, and it sounded like she was expected. She hadn’t seen him in person since he killed Snoke...Since he altered the course of the war. Rey didn’t know if this counted as a war anymore.

* * *

 

Exiting the Falcon, Rey ignored the pull in her stomach, the Force guiding her to Ben. But Rey was a rebel, and she let her nose lead her, eager to try the local cuisine. She thought the streets were busy before, but now, they were full of people. Species tall and short roamed the streets, wading through the humanoid majority. She’d never seen so much diversity amongst a crowd. Dark blue fabric lay elegantly against light purple skin tones, while the gold clashed against the orange horns they were tied around. She felt plain and insignificant in comparison to the breathtaking beauty surrounding her.

Rey felt like she was back on Jakku, like she was an outcast again. While golden thread was weaved into dark blue fabric everyone was wearing, she was the only one draped in stars. Her dress looked to be woven from the hair of the Maker. Her skirts started at her waist, before falling past her hips to the ground. The underskirts were a pale gold, but the translucent overlay sparkled in the glow of the lanterns, and trailed up to her chest and onto her arms. She wasn’t ashamed of the skin the dress showed. There was no fabric between the organza and her breasts. Rey wasn’t embarrassed by the nudity, but she hoped that the Rellamanian culture wasn’t conservative.

But why had Ben bought her this dress, one that made her stand out?

Rey could feel the crowd’s gaze on her, and the loud chatter gathering into a collective whisper. The crowd seemed to part for her, causing her to frown. Reaching with the Force, she stretched her senses out, but kept her eyes open. There was so much life on Rellaman, starkly contrasting the ruins that still remained from the war. And she could feel everyone, but the Force called her. Ben was near…

Very near.

Turning, she smiled to herself, her eyes taking in the sight of him. He looked better than the last time she saw him. Silver paint above his brow replaced the blood that had been smeared there after the bombing of Kahn. His hair was braided back again, the grey streaks standing out against his black hair. The circles under his eyes were gone, but he still looked tired, like the stress of leadership was keeping him up at night. The high collar of his tunic brushed against his neck, not quite reaching his jaw. Rey had only seen him in black, and the bright white was startling against his skin. Her eyes trailed down, following the red embroidery that wove down his chest. Rey didn’t let her breath hitch as her gaze found his pelvis, but she couldn’t prevent the blush that formed on her cheeks, and she ducked her head.

Her breathing did hitch when she remembered the previous night, how she came apart by her own fingers imagining that it had been his fingers instead of hers.

When she glanced back up, Ben had taken the steps to stand in front of her. They were the only ones standing, the crowd having sunk into a deep bow. Rey would never bow to him. They were equal in the Force, and even though she stood much shorter than him, she would be his equal outside of the Force as well. She said nothing, only watched as his eyes ran down her body, like she had done to his.

Rellaman melted into a haze around them, like their visions of the other did, but he was here in front of her. Lips parted, eyes met, and their breathing synced as she stepped towards him, close enough where she could take his hand, if she wanted to. His lips twitched, and Rey wished they would spread into a smile. She had never seen him happy, and that’s all she wanted from him. That’s what would bring Ben Solo back.

 

* * *

He’d been pulled away for a ceremony that Rey didn’t understand. She had tried to, but the significance had been deeply woven into Rellaman’s history, and she didn’t know enough. She had stood quietly amongst the crowd, amongst the silence, and watched as he spoke to the people, reciting careful words of hope. Had she not known any better, she would have thought he had been molded under his mother’s careful thumb. But as she bit her lip, she realized that he had been. The man on stage was a product of his family, and Rey wished Leia could see her son.

The ceremony had moved quickly, and soon, loud music filled the streets. Vendors were closing their shops, stepping out onto the street to join the crowd. She didn’t know what was happening, but hung back as she waited for Ben. She only hoped that he would come to her again. With her back pressed against the wall, she watched how the sea of people parted, and how couples entered the middle of the street. Their bodies were pressed against one another, lips close as they twirled, the blue and gold swirling to become one.

“Enjoying it?”

Rey jumped, glancing up at the tall man beside her. Ben grinned down to her, his fingers moving to brush against hers. She was glad that his hand was gloveless, and she longed to do more that hold his hand. Fingers intertwined, she was reminded how thick his fingers were, and how they could feel pressed against her, and curling in—

Rey cleared her throat, interrupting her own thoughts to prevent the blush that stained her cheeks from spreading. She bit her lip, trying to keep the thoughts at bay, because she knew that he would be able to sense her embarrassment, and undoubtedly question her. Rey couldn’t admit that she had dreamed of them, and the caresses traded in a dark room. She needed to distract him, so she could avoid feeling whatever _this_ was.

“Let’s go try some of the food,” she murmured, moving to look up at him. Rey’s mind was always on food, so she knew he would accept her words. The best lies were born of the truth, so she hoped that Ben would believe her.

“No,” he said, holding her hand firm, so she remained in place. “The food is customarily after the dancing, since most are more hungry after dancing.”

The sudden, quick lift of his eyebrow had her curious. Rey nodded, strands of her hair slipping from the simple pile she had it on her head. Ben dropped her hand, reaching up to tuck them back under the pearl pins. There was a familiarity in his movements, and it struck her that he’d probably done this for his mother many times. The man in front of her was no longer Kylo Ren, for he had died on Crait. Through their bond, she didn’t feel any of the anger that had consumed him. Standing before her as the Supreme Leader Ben Solo, Rey knew he was at peace now.

“Are you ready,” he asked, dropping his hands, and motioning to the twirling couples. He didn’t wait for her answer, just grabbed her hand to lure her into the throng. Rey grinned, not expecting the action, but let him. They were both a quick study, and soon they were one with the sweeping skirts, and the rhythmic sounds of footsteps against the cobblestone lulled them into a trance.

“If you’re going to celebrate the Marking of the Perihelion,” he said after a few minutes, pulling her closer. “You need to do it properly.”

Rey was silent as the dramatic swells of music lead them, the folky dips and soars echoing the stuttering of her breathing. The Force danced along with them, weaving between fingertips pressed against flushed skin and through the gazes they exchanged. The looks between meeting the other’s eyes and glancing at the parted, panting lips of their partner. The repetition of the crowd’s stomps paired with her heartbeat, ringing in her ears. She was slowly becoming one with the music and dance, pulling Ben in with her. Rey had long lost focus on the steps she was taking, until the lilting music swelled, stopped, before dipping into a simple and gentle melody.

“You’ve captured the stars,” he murmured, as they sway gently to the music. They were quiet, the music filling the slivers of empty space between them. Rey watched, as his tongue darted out and he licked his lips, freeing his words that were stuck on them. “Everything you said to me...in the elevator... that’s who I want to be...But I don’t know how to become _him_.”

Rey sighed, reaching to wrap both arms around his neck, toying with his hair. He doubted himself, and it had already paid off. Staring, she scrutinized his face. The circles under his eyes were gone, but the flecks of grey hair proved that the stress had been taking a larger toll on his body. While he held his shoulders regally, she knew that he wanted to slump forward, and hide from the crowd. A blink, and she surrendered herself to their bond, letting his heartbeat become hers, and her thoughts became his. Adrenaline was running thickly through his veins, pouring into hers, and her jaw started to ache. He’d been clenching his jaw too much since the beginning of the festival, his unease eating away at him from being in a large crowd. He was agitated, and hadn’t stopped being it since he landed. In front of his people, he was brave and collected, ever the regal leader, but Rey saw the truth now through the bond.

Ben had been scanning the skies the night before, searching the vast network of intel for whispers of an attack from the Resistance. He had never stopped scanning the crowd for someone with the intent to hurt his citizens. He was worried that the Resistance would take all of this away again.

“You already are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a really hard chapter to write, but I hope y'all liked it!
> 
> Here’s Rey’s dress: https://www.facebook.com/SweetEleganceBridal/videos/1511961725518460/


	6. Chapter 6

To Kylo’s misfortune, he couldn’t escape the numerous gazes, everyone eager to see the Supreme Leader. He was anxious to get away. He only brought danger to the public, since he would always be a target. It wasn’t safe for the Rellamanians for him to be there, but it would have been considered an insult to the native population had he turned down the invitation. Hux had pushed him to attend, stating that it would be good for morale. Whether Hux meant the morale of Rellaman or Kylo’s, he didn’t know. 

He had been on high alert since he landed, ordering maximum security. However, instead of disturbing and agitating, he ordered the stormtroopers to dress in the traditional civilian clothes and to spread out amongst the crowd. Kylo knew that a large gathering held a higher risk of an attack, and he needed all eyes to be alert. There was a team watching on the security cameras, and snipers stationed on the roof. 

But he still didn’t feel in control. 

It had nearly been a month since the bombing of Kahn, and Kylo couldn’t stop expecting to see dead children every time he turned a corner. Every time he heard a loud noise, it caused his heart rate to spike, and it took hours for it to calm. His sleep was haunted by nightmares, and he hadn’t slept without a sleeping aid since the attack. The strike was a monster that hovered in his head, claiming every moment for itself. He hadn’t relaxed, he  _ couldn’t _ relax. It had left him raw and disoriented. 

In his vision, he had seen Rey join him on Rellaman, standing by his side during the celebration. He’d ordered her a dress, knowing that she would walk into the shop. She would have something to say, and he would not need to get distracted by her. The Force had laid it all out, but he had seen something else, and he hoped it wouldn’t happen. Kylo hoped it wouldn’t come to that.

As they stood in front of each other, her blush spoke for her, and his gaze for him. No words were needed, and it took everything he had to not submit, to remain standing and to not kneel with the crowd. She was ethereal, standing out like a nebula against the surrounding abyss. The setting sun cast its golden light, setting her ablaze amongst the dark clothing of the people around her. He wanted to reach out, to touch, to ensure she was real, but he was pulled away by the Grandmeister.

The speech had been written by Hux, and then he had edited it down to his own words. Hux had always been pedantic, looking to impress his audience by his vocabulary. Kylo needed the crowd to relate to him, to  _ love _ him, and using fancy words wasn’t the best way to achieve his goal. He had wooed the attendees of the festival, and hope had spread as his words echoed through the streets. Hope that the First Order would complete what the Republic said they were going to start. 

Their feet ached, or maybe Rey’s feet ached, he couldn’t tell, as they continued to dance, each lost in the other. She was a welcomed presence, one that would steady his rapid thoughts. In Rey’s arms, the world stilled and calmed, even though her thoughts were just as active. But he knew he would have to leave them, and too soon for his liking. They could never be together, she was the last Jedi, and he had his responsibilities...

But he knew they couldn’t exist without the other. They were the other’s equalizer, stabilizing the other’s potency. Together, they could lose themselves in delirium. They were each other’s most beloved ally and most hated enemy. But he could never hate her...They were on opposite sides of the war, but they wanted the same thing. He didn’t want to wait for the war to end to have her. He wanted to take this opportunity immediately because it might never show its face again. 

One night, and this one chance. Kylo was going to take it. 

A loud explosion and Rey’s jolt pulled him out of his thoughts, and his heart stopped at the screams of the crowd.  Kylo let out a panicked grunt, his grip tightening on Rey’s hand, his arm crushing her to his chest. The smell of smoke from the fireworks was sickeningly similar to the scent of the aftermath of Kahn. It took him a second to register that it was screams of delight, whooping cheers as another firework shot into the sky. Glancing down, he watched her eyes fill with wonder and the reflections of the colored lights flashed and then disappeared into the whites of her eyes. They were gone when she turned her gaze to him, her hand moving to touch his jaw. Kylo realized then that it had been clenched tightly, painfully. Swallowing, he glanced at his feet, and pulled himself away. He needed to get away from the crowd. 

“Thank you,” he said, his voice rough with emotions he wasn’t showing. “I appreciate you taking the time to dance with me but-”

Rey shot him a look, and he quieted. Taking his hand, she pulled him through the crowd. Luckily, their gazes were turned upward, so no one saw the Supreme Leader sneak off with his companion. Kylo didn’t know where she was leading him, but he relaxed as they walked through a set of ornate gates, the white marble towering above them both. White gravel shifted under their feet, and the paths ran between ponds like veins in a bare hand. 

They had entered a lush garden, but the city had left its presence beyond the gate with ancient white buildings that were slowly crumbling into the bordering ponds. Lush moss covered most of the ruins, hiding their flaws from wandering gazes. Fountains interrupted the quiet like playful nymphs, while the waterfalls purred like a sleeping beast. Statues stood in the middle of the ponds, intimate moments captured in stone for all to see. Gardens were meant to delight, amaze and entertain, but it was a refuge for Kylo and Rey, somewhere where they could disappear into the green.

Whether it was by the Force, or just their feet, Kylo and Rey had stopped beneath an aged cupola, vines of an exotic plant covering most of the stone. It jutted out onto the water, the white fading into the dark water. He let her hand go, parting off to sit on the bench. He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, watching his confidant. Kylo remained silent as he observed her. Rey had kicked off her sandals, and had collected her dress over her arms. Ever curious, she stepped down into the water, the water hardly covering her feet. 

“I thought you weren’t going to speak to me anymore,” she said, staring at the water. “The way our last conversation ended...” 

Kylo could feel her anxiety as if it was his own. He knew she had been scared that he would have abandoned her, just like her parents had. They were alike in many ways, and the fear of abandonment was a constant.

“I was...I was angry,” he ran a hand over his face, smearing the silver paint above his brow. “I barely remember any of it now, but then there will be times, like tonight, when I just... _ freeze. _ ” 

Kylo wished he could explain it better, to let her see what he had been feeling. He didn’t want her to feel the creature that slithered up his spine every time he heard a certain noise, or how his stomach clenched every time he smelled Hux’s cologne. She didn’t deserve to deal with the anxiety, with the restlessness that came with his dreams.

Rey left the water, droplets trailing down her feet to pool on the marble as she took swift steps towards him. The cool metal of her ring pressed against his cheek as Rey cupped it. Her eyes were soft as she tipped his face up. He only dared to look up at her after her hand stayed against his skin, expecting broken dreams. Instead, he only found the future.

He stayed seated, captivated by her. Rey’s other hand moved, mirroring the other as they moved, past his ears to bury themselves in his hair. Kylo let out a deep sigh, and closed his eyes as he leaned into her touch. Months of stress seemed to lift under her hands, like a tide refreshing a pool of trapped water, if only temporarily. Turning his head, he ran his lips over her wrist. There was only their calm breaths in the small space between them. Her fingers traveled further into his hair, locking together at the nape of his neck. 

Kylo knew what she wanted through their bond. They both yearned for it, each other, but they weren’t ready for it. 

He leaned, moving to rest his head against her stomach, her hands following him, and he pulled her closer by wrapping his arms around her waist. They stayed there, immobile like the statues surrounding them. Too afraid to move, to break the spell that had been cast over them. 

“Ben,” Rey started, and he could feel her regret for breaking the silence. He pulled back to look at her. “I came here for a reason. The Resistance knew that it wasn’t a functioning mine. They knew that it was civilians, but they wanted to take the risk to...eliminate the leadership of the First Order. In their eyes, it was justified because...Ben, someone has betrayed you. Someone is bombing the Resistance and their allies and they’re using Order ships and soldiers.”

Startled, Kylo stood, frowning deeply. “What?”

“The Resistance bombed Kahn in retaliation. They think  _ you’re _ behind the attacks. I know that you’ve been rehabilitating planets, and that you wouldn’t do that.” 

Rey backed up another step, and pulled a ring off from her finger, and then pressed it into his hand. Kylo glanced down at it, the green emerald shining in the darkening light of dusk. Immediately, he knew what it meant, and how his father had pressed it into his hand like Rey years before. Sighing, Kylo shifted, grabbing her hand to slide the ring back in place. 

“You’ve ruined me,” he murmured, lifting her hand to kiss her fingers. “But I’m afraid that I have to leave now. If what you’ve told me is true, I need to hold a council on what to do. Thank you for tonight, but I have to go.”

Hesitantly, he turned, his heart staying with Rey as he walked away. An invisible force slithered around his ankles, trapping him on the gravel path. He felt her hand touch his shoulder, moving to his chest as she stepped in front of him.

“I’m going with you.”

“No, you aren’t,” Kylo said, his response immediate. “Hux thinks you murdered Snoke.”

Rey blinked, crossing her arms. Kylo could tell she wasn’t pleased with the situation. Neither was he, but a lot had changed since the Battle of Crait. Kylo had been protecting himself in the moment when he declared that Rey had killed Snoke, and looking back, it had been reckless. Kylo would have to tell Hux the truth. A part of him knew the ginger wouldn’t mind, since Snoke had held the promotion of Grand Marshal over Hux’s head for four years, and Kylo had given it to him in a matter of days. Hux’s loyalty was questionable. He was power hungry, and Kylo only hoped Armitage Hux knew better than to bite the hand that fed him.

“If someone in my ranks has betrayed me, I can’t trust that they haven’t tampered with the conditioning on the Stormtroopers. I got rid of the program,” he said, letting a puff of air bubble under his lip, only to escape. “But I have to go back to see if the conditioning has been compromised…” Kylo stopped, stiffening.

He had an idea. It was a risky plan, but it could work. Hux wouldn’t like it, that would be obvious, nor would the Resistance appreciate it. But this would ensure that the troops that he had hadn’t been compromised by conditioning, and it would allow Kylo to know that the people at his back were going to fight with him. Kylo took a step forward, bridging the gap between them as he took Rey’s hands in his own.

“I need your help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Here's the moodboard I made for chapter six!](http://ridingbensolo.tumblr.com/post/170558759071/wieder-adv-again-chapter-six-preview-as-they)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, guys. I'm currently studying abroad in Germany and my life is very chaotic right now.

Armitage Hux prided himself on his intellect. He knew every aspect of the First Order like the back of his hand. He knew where every fleet of the Order was, when a trooper legion was arriving at each base, down to every droid that was stationed aboard his ship. 

Hux had no idea how General Tennell Rhodes had managed to blur the numbers so it looked like restoration efforts and not the true actions of offensive attacks against the Resistance. 

The First Order archives depicted General Tennell Rhodes with white hair and skin that dipped into wrinkles. Rhodes was one of the remaining survivors of Alderaan, having joined the Empire four years before its destruction. He had been safe aboard the Death Star when it had been destroyed. Going on the record, Rhodes had stated that he believed the obliteration of his home planet, of his  _ family, _ had been for the greater good and that he understood sacrifices had to be made. 

That, Hux could relate to. To get to the top, to be  _ successful _ _ , _ you had to be willing to sacrifice everything. It was something that he had done, and would do again if the occasion called for it. Fortunately, there hadn’t been a situation that required it, but Hux understood taking action for the greater good. 

He watched the two in front of him fidget, as Hux leaned back in his chair, his leg crossed over his knee. Armitage wondered if they were aware that he knew Kylo Ren had killed their Supreme Leader, but Hux knew better than to bite the hand that fed him.  Snoke had stopped giving him something to strive for long ago. To his surprise, Ren had been an outstanding leader, and the people affected had flocked to him, seeking refuge from the war that had taken everything from them. Hux’s pockets had never been heavier. 

“This plan of yours,” he started, pausing to take a long drag from the cigarette in his fingers. “It’s rather insane. And honestly, I don’t know if it will work.”

The girl stepped up, and Hux could only admire her. The dress clung to her body like a second skin and had obviously been crudely cut to the knees by a lightsaber. It was a shame because he could tell that the dress had been elegantly crafted. Hux didn’t know what kind of dynamic they had going on, but he didn’t want to be any part of it. He could tell they would be like dry kindling, burning bright, but short. 

“This is the only way that we can ensure that the troopers we take will be against Rhodes,” Rey said, crossing her arms. “By working together, this is the only way to completely end the war.”

Hux raised his eyebrow, before turning to Ren. “And what do you think, Supreme Leader? Do we take this risk? I don’t understand why we don’t just cut their resources and let them starve to death.”

The Supreme Leader sighed and sank into a cushioned, leather chair. Stress and the lack of sleep was something they both shared, even with the relaxed policy of the Order. Being the two main leaders of an organization was a burden, and never a privilege. Before Snoke had been threatened by the budding friendship between himself and Ren, they had been on track to become friends. Now, they were both civil towards the other, a mutual understanding of the manipulation that had taken place. 

Hux rubbed a hand over his face, his ginger beard scratching his palm. Kylo Ren would be the death of him. This plan was risky, but Hux hadn’t gotten to his position without taking risks. 

“Are you sure they’ll go along with this?” he questioned, staring at the two across from him. They glanced at each other, and then at the Grand Marshal, both nodding at the same time. The pair was mirroring the other, and Hux found it disturbing. There was something going on between the two of them, and Hux wasn’t about to get in the way of it. 

Leaning forward, Hux turned on the holo-recorder and watched as his Supreme Leader stiffened, and began to speak.

* * *

 

The last time they’d been in an elevator together, her hands were bound. Now, her hand brushed against his, but she didn’t dare intertwine their fingers. 

There was an awkward silence that had folded over them, leaving the two still as the elevator descended from Hux’s office on the top floor to the docking area where she would take his own ship, which was without a tracker. Rey appreciated the fact that he trusted her, that she wouldn’t leave them to figure out this situation by themselves. 

She wanted to tell him everything about how she felt. However, words had left her, like so many things had before.  

She didn’t know how to tell him that she was proud of him, for making his own future, and making the Order something that could be civil. She saw now that she had been wrong; Ben had turned the Order into something she thought improbable while doing the impossible. He had satisfied mostly everyone in the Order, including the redhead Grand Marshal. 

Except for General Rhodes. 

The quiet hiss of the elevator doors parting pulled her out of her thoughts. A heavy weight settled in her chest, as it shook with an unsteady breath. The time to part was upon them, looming over them. A fleeting look, another shaky breath, and Rey parted from Ben’s side, striding out of the elevator, and to his approaching ship. She needed distance, but knew she could never hide from him. His quiet footsteps followed behind her shortly, and he elected not to bridge the gap between them. Her steps slowed when she reached the shuttle, hesitant to leave but eager to go. 

Rey turned to face Ben, folding her arms over her chest, and she looked at the dark floor of the ramp underneath her feet. 

“Stay safe,” he said, their eyes connecting. Silence followed, the air stagnant with the tension between them. She didn’t know what to say, the awkwardness greater than her will to break the rigid atmosphere between them. Rey didn’t know what to do. Her past experiences with other people were limited to harsh negotiations amongst the sands of Jakku, and the friendly exchanges with Resistance members. 

She didn’t know what to do. 

A harsh exhale and her shoulders melting as the tension left her and the space between them. Perhaps she was imagining the awkwardness, that he didn’t think the night in the garden had been special...

“You know what I think,” he murmured, taking a step closer to her. Rey had to restrain herself from touching him, from placing her hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat to ensure that this was  _ real _ . Rey looked up at him, and she saw the truth in his eyes. 

With a small smile, Rey turned and boarded his ship, not looking back as the ramp closed behind her.

* * *

 

To her surprise, there wasn’t anyone waiting on the tarmac for her when she landed. Rey knew that they would be too busy to greet her had she been in the Falcon, but it still sat on Rellaman. She’d taken Ben’s personal transport, the ship elegant and smooth, much like the way it flew. It had been a joy to fly it, and it was small pleasure before she met with the Resistance leaders. She knew that this meeting would either go terribly wrong or extremely well. 

She could only pray it would be successful. 

The halls were silent, the echoes of her footsteps absorbed by the dirt beneath her feet. Curiosity ate at her. Had the Resistance suffered too many losses, so much that they had taken to hiding when a single Order ship arrived?

Her feet led themselves through the halls of the base, the Force whispering around her. The weight was back, too familiar, settling in her chest again. Where had everyone gone?

Her question was answered by harsh, angry muttering that abruptly ended as soon as she stepped into a darkened room. She could see her friends’ silhouetted by the glowing orbital maps, crouched down as if they were hiding from something...or someone. Rey groped the wall beside her, turning on the lights, only to be faced with a series of blasters pointed at her. A quick scan of the room and her stomach sank at the sight. There were only fifteen members of the Resistance present, and she knew that this was everyone.

Would this be enough to take to meet General Rhodes? Would they even agree to cooperate? 

Rey only had one option, and she hoped that it would work. 

“At ease,” Leia said, holding her hand up. A warm smile crossed her face, and she walked to take Rey’s hand in hers. “Rey, it’s good to finally have you home. We were concerned about you.”

“It seems like I should have been more concerned about you,” Rey said, squeezing the older woman’s hand. 

Another quick look into the room and she spotted her friends lingering behind the Resistance leader. With a brief smile and another squeeze of the hand, Rey sidestepped Leia, and stepped into the waiting arms of Finn. His warm embrace was something she had been looking forward to for a long time, because it meant that her friend was safe and alive. 

Pulling away, she gave Finn a small smile, and took a deep breath. It was all or nothing now. She was silent as she walked towards BB-8, kneeling in front of it. 

“Can you play this?” she asked, offering him the small drive. The remaining members of the Resistance gathered around, silent as they watched and waited. 

“General Organa,” the holo said, and Rey watched Leia’s face. The woman placed her palms on the table, bracing herself as she stared back at the recording of her son. “Years ago, you served your father during the Rebellion. Now, I beg you to help me in this trying time. It’s come to our attention that there’s a faction, operating under the name of the First Order, in the Outer Rim that has ignored direct orders and continued to attack the Resistance, even though there are strict orders against it. I will take full responsibility for these attacks, but I need the Resistance’s help to prevent them from spreading their power further. I’ve given Rey documents that will outline our plan. You know what password protects them.” The holo shifted, and Ben’s shoulders slumped forward. 

“Mama, I need your help. You remain our last option.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the new chapter! Special thanks for everyone who beta'd this chapter in various stages, since it's taken me forever to write it, and then I rewrote it. 
> 
> Here are [some AMAZING posters for wieder](http://viridescentlights.tumblr.com/post/172225306927/wieder-by-ridingbensolo-summary-he-gave-hux) created by the equally amazing viridescentlights! Thank you so so much, they are AMAZING
> 
> And [here is](http://ridingbensolo.tumblr.com/post/172354317841/wieder-adv-again-chapter-seven-preview-she) the moodboard I made for this chapter!
> 
> Ciao!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey! I'm back. I'm still studying abroad, and I can't say when the next update will be.

There was something about life.

Something about a heartbeat, delicate and fleeting.

Ben wasn’t sure if his dream was a vision or a simple nightmare. But the image of his mother being engulfed in flames, the building around her collapsing in fiery ruins, would haunt him for the rest of the week. It was just a dream, one that had been repeated numerous times now. He’d been having these nightmarish visions since he was small. Most didn’t come true.

He rubbed his temples, sighing slowly. Insomnia had been the one sharing his bed lately, keeping him up at all hours. Ben felt like he hadn’t slept in a week, and the tension at the back of his head was starting to hurt more than ache. Sitting up, he rubbed the back of his neck, wishing that the painkillers would actually work. Ignoring the chrono, he got up and dressed. He made sure his cuffed sleeves were straight, his cowl resting evenly before he stepped out the door. Confidence came in the way you dressed, and he needed as much as he could get.

Time dragged on as he waited for Rey. To say he was eager to see her again was an understatement, but he had to focus on the situation at hand. There was a General who had disobeyed orders, a General that could have placed spies amongst them, and Ben couldn’t decide if he would prefer Hux as his enemy or his friend. Ben was wary of the soldiers around him, not knowing who could hide their thoughts from him. Ironically, he could only trust those who had yet to arrive. Ben finally looked at the chrono.

It was time for the Resistance to come.

* * *

 

The fanfare in which the terrorist group arrived was outweighed by the force Kylo had organized. Legions of stormtroopers stood at his back as Kylo waited for the Resistance to land, and exit their ships. They would be met by a sea of white, all there because they wanted to be. It was a show, a show that gave away their potential if anything went wrong. At his shoulder, Hux stood proudly, but the dark circles under his eyes had yet to fade. It looked like the attack on Kahn was still affecting both of them.

“It’s not too late to attack,” Hux murmured, unmoving. Hux knew that it was a risky thing to say, but Kylo ignored it. Hux would always want to win, but sometimes winning didn’t involve violence.

Kylo’s heart squeezed when his mother stepped out of a ship, a few helping her down the large step, a cane in her hand. He hadn’t seen her in person in years...it had been before Luke tried to kill him. It felt like no time had passed, and at the same time, it felt like it had been lifetimes since they’d laid eyes on the other. The silence was all they needed to exchange apologies, the bond between mother and son never ceasing. A few careful steps forward, and he stood in front of his mother.

“Ben,” she said, her voice quiet to keep it only between them. She lifted her chin up to stare her son in the eyes.

“That’s not my name anymore,” came his quick response.

“It’s what Rey calls you,” said Leia, her eyes glimmering with something a little more than hope.  

Ben hated how he couldn’t prevent the tips of his ears turning red. With a jerk of his head, he motioned for the Resistance to follow him. He had yet to see Rey, but the feeling settling in his stomach told him she was there with them. Shoulders back, he started walking, leading the handful of Resistance soldiers into the depths of the ship.

Hux was walking a step behind him as they led the Resistance through the ship, stopping in front of a plain door. It was the laundry room, but by the look on the Resistance soldiers faces, one would think that they were being led to their death. Hux turned on his heel, facing the handful of soldiers, all standing behind their general as if she would protect them from the might of the Order. Kylo finally made eye contact with Rey, holding it until she ducked her head, her cheeks flushing. How he wanted to say something to her, to reach out to caress the reddened freckles.

“I’m assuming you all know what the plan is,” Hux started, his tone clipped. “Behind this door, you will find an assortment of stormtrooper armor. I’m sure a few of you are familiar with the setup. Make sure it properly fits. We can’t have your armor so misfitted that  _our_ enemies now that we have the Resistance amongst our midst. All soldiers except for General Organa and the Jedi, Rey, are going to be outfitted in these uniforms. You will be in the back of the formation since we know you wouldn’t want to have your back to the... _enemy_. All soldiers going with us have uniforms retrofitted with a red right arm guard. And don’t fret, you’ll be given working weapons, for your sense of security and a potential skirmish.”

He would’ve thought that Hux was being cautious with Resistance troops blending in, but Kylo knew that Hux had given them no thought, and was fully paying attention to the aesthetics. As the Resistance troops slowly began to walk past them, Kylo just turned to his general and lifted an amused brow. Hux said nothing, but the mirth in his eyes said that Kylo had been right.

Kylo turned, leaving his general with the troops as he went to prepare. He wasn’t expecting a hand to grab his, the small, warm palm slipping easily into it. Glancing back, he was surprised to see that the hand still engulfed by his belonged to Rey.

“I suppose I have you to thank,” he murmured, turning to face her completely.

Rey pulled her hand from his, and he yearned for her touch instantly. Waving her hand dismissively, she shifted, crossing her arms over her chest. She was being defensive, but Kylo didn’t know why.

“Your mother was the one who made the final decision. You should thank her instead...And actually, talk to her.”

It was his turn to become defensive.

“That’s not possible,” he said, pursing his lips as Rey flinched. He would’ve apologized, but he only regretted his tone, not the words themselves. Kylo would not talk to his mother any more than necessary. She was a political ally now, and nothing more.

The nightmares he had every night tended to disagree.

He should change the subject. That would get the topic away from his mother.

“Honestly, you look beautiful in blue,” he blurted, eyes falling to her deep blue vest. “But I have a feeling all of the colors bring the beauty out in you.”

Where did _that_ come from?

Kylo didn’t really care, because the way Rey’s cheeks returned to their pink hue made his awkward words worth it. Clearly, they were both inexperienced in the art of flirtation.

“Nobody is as beautiful as you,” he continued, letting his mouth run before his brain could catch up. Oh Maker, he needed to stop. Kylo reached a hand up, running it through his hair. He took a step back. “I do apologize, that was uncalled for. If you would excuse me...”

He gave a quick jerk of his head, turned, and left a flustered Rey behind.

 

* * *

Kylo had no time to reflect on the awful situation his mouth had led him into. Once he’d arrived in his rooms, droids had swept in and prepared him for the meeting with General Rhodes. He remained lost in thought the entire time, worried about all the possibilities that this could result in. Kylo could be leading everyone to their deaths. Hux could’ve set this up so it was all a trap...Or they would walk away, with Rhodes being easily subdued. He doubted the last scenario, but he couldn’t help but hope for it.

It would be a long trip to the base Rhodes was commanding. A trip that would feel like time was dragging on, especially since he would be stuck in the same ship with Rey. Stuck in the same ship with the woman he yearned for, that his heart, his whole being ached for.

Maker, help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter preview: kylo has updated hux, who thinks this is a terrible idea, but provides them with the stormtrooper gear like the fairy godmother in cinderella bibbidi bobbidi boo this shit
> 
> [Moodboard](http://ridingbensolo.tumblr.com/post/175216545786/wieder-adv-again-chapter-eight-preview-he) for this chapter! Please reblog and share it with your friends!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the delay! I hope y'all enjoy!

The first thing that came to him, was the loud ringing in his ears. Ben felt his soul plash, bile rising in his throat. Eyes fluttering, he opened his eyes, clawing at the tube stuffed down his throat. Warm hands braced his shoulders, pressing him back into the hard bed he lay upon. Ben tried to fight against them, but his muscles wouldn’t allow him to push himself back. He reached for the force, but only found a gaping hole there. Crazed, his eyes darted around the room, searching for a familiar face. None were found. 

“Supreme Leader,” a ringing voice cut through the haze. “Stay still, or we’ll have to sedate you.”

_ No _ . He needed to know where he was, and what had occurred. Ben reached for his mouth, yanking the tube from it, and pushing the bile down. The medic around him slapped his hand away from the tube, but he’d already been successful in pulling it out. 

“Where am I?” It hurt to talk.

“You’re on the  _ Warspite _ ,” the medic reported. 

The _ Warspite _ . A small medical ship that was commissioned by the First Order a year and a half ago. He was safe. Ben relaxed a bit, letting the medic place a mask over his mouth and nose. What had happened? The last thing he remembered was getting off the transport to confront General Rhodes, and then...nothing. How long had it been since the confrontation? 

Detecting his confusion, the medic disappeared out of the door, only to come back with Hux trailing behind him. Hux looked relieved as he sat down in a nearby chair. Ben didn’t even have to open his mouth before Hux started explaining, knowing that the Supreme Leader liked explanations. 

“You were shot in the back of the head,” Hux started, crossing his arms. “We were confronting Rhodes, when a Resistance trooper had the bright idea to take advantage of your trust and of your distraction. General Organa and Commander Dameron took care of the Resistance soldier after the ordeal with Rhodes. They said that they didn’t appreciate a soldier going against orders, especially when it would have risked the truce with the Order.”

Ben sighed, closing his eyes. That explained the throbbing sensation that had occurred behind his eyes. It was uncomfortable, to say the least. He brought a hand up, only to find it restrained to the bars that lay alongside him. Hux reached forward and undid the clasp. 

“You were prone to attack the droids and the medics. They had to restrain you so you wouldn’t injure yourself further.” 

Ben hummed at the news, reaching to his wrist and rubbing it gently. His injuries must’ve been grave if he had no recollection at all about the events both directly before and after going to destroy the coup. He frowned, hoping that he hadn’t hurt anyone that didn’t deserve it...And he  _ prayed _ that he hadn’t hurt Rey. What had happened since he 

“Get me a change of clothes. I need to get out of here.”

* * *

 

He finds out that she stood guard over his bed, like a silent shadow in the corner of the room, only until she knew he was okay. When she strayed, their bond would occur, and she had seen visions of him, lying prone on whatever nearby surface there was. She had only seen him in his most vulnerable of states, unconscious, pale, weak and unresponsive. He learned that she fled, trying to stop the visions of his body dancing through seizures, even though she was light years away from him. The distance didn’t weaken the bond, and for months, it was a silent interaction, her weary eyes never leaving his body.

He learns how it scars her. How it makes her chest quiver every time she sees him. It’s been three months since he woke up, and she still avoids him. She is the sun, and he the moon, chasing after her light, and needing it to function, and only occasionally meeting her in the sky. 

And Kylo hated it. 

He’s sitting at a meeting table, the Resistance across from him, trying to negotiate a deal with them. Everyone is careful to cross him, but he feels pure fear emitting from what. What else had happened while he was gone? Who had crossed his love? He wanted to make them hurt, to bring back  _ his _ Rey. 

But what if it had been him that hurt her? What if the long nights were plagued by him, gaunt and silent? What would he do to himself? 

The speech that he had toned out halted, causing him to focus back into the conversation. Kylo swallowed, standing to address the table in front of him, thanking the Order lieutenant with a sharp nod. He walked to the head of the table, and braced himself with his hands, scanning the table. His eyes lingered on Rey, trying to ignore the way his heart bellowed at him to go towards her, to make everything okay. A stark breath, and then he began. 

“This meeting formally recognizes two organizations coming together to reach a deal. But today, everywhere in the universe, there are people and citizens that will suffer if we don’t reach an agreement. There will be casualties on both sides, tearing loved ones away from one another. We must remember that we consciously decide on the progression of this meeting, and whether or not we are going to help or hinder the system. We must merge from this as one united voice, integrated in ways that must not hurt the people we’ve sworn to protect against the other. So it’s my choice, and your choice...and yours...” he said, looking at various members of the commit his mother and he put together for the occasion. “To ensure that we do the best we may, or may the gods, the stars, and the force, deem us unfit to rule.”

It was silent, and Kylo only stared back at the challenges the Resistance members glared. His eyes flitted to Rey, a sharp tingling crawling up his neck as he found her looking at the table directly in front of her. 

What had happened to his fierce girl?

Eyes ever attentive, he watched as Poe-  _ Colonel _ Poe Dameron- stand and approach him. Kylo stood to his full height, surveying as the faux militant approached him. Kylo wasn’t expecting an extended hand to greet him. Their hands clasped in a firm, brief grip. 

Perhaps this would work. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Please show your support by reblogging this moodboard <3](http://ridingbensolo.tumblr.com/post/182279694511/wieder-chapter-nine-wieder-adv-german-for)

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? Concerns? Complaints? 
> 
> Comment or send them to me at [ridingbensolo](http://ridingbensolo.tumblr.com/) on tumblr!


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